Let's Talk About Loneliness
We have all come through a pandemic and can feel the effects in our lives. Personally, I found the isolation during Covid to be challenging. Many activities and events were no longer available. People were not getting together. There were some friends I did not see at all for a year or two. The choir I sing in did not meet for two and a half years. I am a person who appreciates some time alone but the huge amount of time alone in the pandemic was too much. In talking to friends and others, I discovered that so many people were feeling lonely.
What is loneliness?
Loneliness is an unwelcome feeling of lack, and a loss of companionship and community. People who feel lonely do not have adequate or meaningful connections with others. There is a gap between what they have, and what they want or need. Loneliness is like a hunger or thirst. The body gives a signal that something is missing. Loneliness can feel painful.
I decided to do a bit of research on this issue. Certainly the pandemic thrust people into situations where they were lonely and isolated. However, as I looked closely, I found that loneliness is an issue in our whole society. It is so ironic that most of us live in highly-populated cities, and yet feel so alone.
Here are some things I found:
A survey by Stats Canada in 2021 reported that 40% of Canadians feel lonely some or all of the time. Think about that.
In 2022, the Surgeon General in the U.S. stated that widespread loneliness in their country poses health risks as deadly as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
Loneliness is not a popular topic of discussion. Why is this? In our society, there is a stigma around loneliness. It is awkward to talk about it. People who are lonely can be deemed to be weak or lacking social skills. Also, there are deep feelings of shame that people want to hide. Usually those who are having this experience do not talk about it.
It is important to understand that most people who are lonely often suffer silently. They may feel alone, cut off, invisible, like no one cares.
It is in our nature as human beings to be social, to be connected and to feel close to others.This is part of the fabric of who we are. We are wired to belong. This includes introverts who may prefer to be by themselves, but still have an essential need for relationships with others.
We need connections with others as much as we need air and water. It is important to recognize that we need friendships and a strong sense of community and support. At a deeper level, we also yearn to be seen, to be known, acknowledged and appreciated for who we are. Unfortunately, these deep and intrinsic needs are unfulfilled in so many people’s lives.
Which groups of people are feeling lonely? I discovered that loneliness touches all ages and demographics, from seniors to teenagers. This is a widespread problem and some governments are calling it an epidemic.
What are some of the factors creating such widespread loneliness?
Here are some:
> the breakdown in the nuclear family
> loss of loved ones, friends and family, especially in older years
> greater numbers of people are living alone in apartments and condos
> physical isolation; living in a remote or rural area
> loss of a role; retirement
> recovering from trauma or a major loss
> being an outcast or victim of bullying
Here are some of the physical, emotional and psychological effects of loneliness:
* anxiety
* depression
* loss of confidence
* loss of goals or having positive feelings about the future
* reduced quality of life
* increased heart disease, cancer, cognitive decline
* increased use of alcohol, drugs, smoking
* physical inactivity
* poor sleep
Looking at this list, you can see that the effects of loneliness can be devastating.
We now have easy access to the Internet, including social media. I have spoken to young people who tell me they are addicted to their cellphones and do not have deep conversation skills. They spend a lot of time texting. They might have 500 ‘friends’ but in actuality are grateful if they have a couple of close, trusted friends in their lives. It seems that the more we ‘progress’ with technology, the more we are disconnected from each other.
If you are someone who spends a lot of time alone, you need to have a good relationship with yourself. I know this first-hand. You need to be your own best friend, to monitor how you talk to yourself and find things to be grateful for on a regular basis. During the pandemic, I would often talk out loud in my house and greet the day: “Wow, it’s Wednesday! I’m so happy it’s sunny and I can go out for a walk.” I often sing in my house also.
Solitude vs Loneliness
It is interesting for me to think about the difference between being lonely and intentionally choosing to be alone in solitude. I have practised meditation for many years and have participated in retreats that are designed specially to put people in touch with solitude and inner peace. These retreats have given me a deep and profound experience of silence. To understand the difference: Solitude is a chosen experience. Loneliness is unwanted.
What can be done about widespread loneliness?
My purpose in writing this article is to raise awareness about how prevalent loneliness is in our modern world. In becoming more aware, may we all help to reduce the stigma that is attached to loneliness.
It has been shown that small acts of kindness can make a difference. We can all practice being a little kinder. Phone someone to tell them you are thinking about them… This can make a difference in someone’s life today… When we help another person, often our own mood lifts.
If you are feeling lonely, may you reach out for support in your community. Take a step towards something new, like volunteering or meeting a neighbour. Find out what activities there are in your area.
In Britain, the government established a Ministry for Loneliness. Doctors are encouraged to recommend social outings like cooking classes and walking groups to patients who report they are feeling lonely. Also, in the UK there is Loneliness Awareness Week. This year it will take place June 12-18. You can read about this initiative: www.lonelinessawarenessweek.org.
I am available to connect with you and to help with whatever issues you are facing, including loneliness. You can reach me at 604-435-9400 or by email brenda@brendadineen.com.
I welcome your feedback and comments.
Warmest wishes
Brenda